are we having fun yet?

Very rarely do I find reason to write two days in a row.

It turns out that our staff meeting yesterday provided me with a gem of an opportunity. The meeting was of my favorite variety: you think you’re just going in for a routine development assistant meeting only to realize that there are staffing changes and a nice little message going up the flagpole to the top levels.

First and foremost, the staff change: our Datatel assistant will no longer be with us. She is moving over to the department of dance (please see previous post about pink shirts and yogurt to tell how I feel about this).

More importantly, our associate director, Ken, is making a sincere effort to improve communication and retention in our department. To his credit, I think a lot of the right moves are being made (more on that at a later date). He decided, however, to gauge how people perceive the fun level in our office and what we could do to improve communication, training, and, yup, you guessed it: fun. Ken left the room so it could be totally anonymous and we all rated fun on a scale of one (being not fun at all) to ten (the most fun an office can be); we averaged out at a 3.3.

SURPRISE!!!!! 

This brings me to something with which I have been struggling to understand for a long time… why do people ask questions to which they do not want truthful answers? It seems to me that, no matter what questions one asks, the inquirer should always be prepared for an array of answers. Clearly, for a person who answers the question, there are diplomatic ways to handle oneself. Nine out of ten times, though, I would venture to say that the answer has just been wanting the question to come… kind of like Jeopardy.

We engage in a numbers game when we ask questions – answers could come out a few different ways. Mostly, however, these ways are predictable. You may be smart, but if you’re not prepared, you will be surprised, discouraged, and at a loss for words, all in one.

a penny for your thoughts.

I love ripping apart two-cent shrinks.

My day tends to consist of the same types of things, including reading the Yahoo! and CNN ‘front page’ at about 9:40am every morning. Each Monday and Thursday, Yahoo! puts up a ridiculous article about relationship advice. If I move through the news quickly, I will generally read this section as I eat my morning snack (it’s really hard to type with apples in your hand). One of the main contributors to this section is a 42 year old woman who has a degree in psychology (conflicting sources suggest that it is either a bachelors AND Ph.D. or just a bachelors). This woman looks like she has had lots of plastic surgery and internet research claims that she has been divorced two times.

Let’s think about what listening to this woman means- you’re depending on the advice of someone with very little self-esteem (lots of plastic surgery) who has had AT LEAST two failed relationships. This lady, through the wonders of the internet, is now telling you how to govern your own relationship- without knowing anything about it. In essence, she is giving you all of these things to think about and manuever around that eventually, you’re going to go nuts psychoanalyzing everything.

So guess what that means: I’m going to become my very own two-cent psychologist. I figure I’m just as qualified as that woman (minus the plastic surgery) so here we go… (disclaimer: don’t listen to me either).

1) Relationships are like my golf swing. When I get on the golf course, I tend to think too much. There are so many things that I know I should do in my swing to make it good. The problem is that if I try to think about these things all in one dive at the ball, the results will be miserable. How am I going to fit all of those things in two seconds? Translation: If you’re over-analyzing what you are going to do, you’re probably missing some very obvious signs of what you should do. Taking those signs and running with them are key. 

2) Change is about the reaction. Many times I find myself doing really dumb things. Last night, in fact, I decided that I was pretty mad about dropping something… so I then hucked it across the kitchen where it broke into lots more pieces. Jenn and Teren both just kinda looked at me and asked if I wanted help cleaning it up – I said no, so they just sat there and continued their own conversation. Translation: I got mad for about 2.5 seconds then realized how much I compounded the problem. If either of them would have gone off on me about how dumb I was, it would have resulted in an argument that would have become much larger than me just having to clean up the kitchen. The initial action guides decision making very little; with the reaction, you have the power to guide the course of the following conversation or request. Think about reactions very carefully before you go crazy. If you need further illustration of really poor reactions, check out this.

3) Why would you think that? A lot can be said about body language and facial expressions. In fact, I’m certain that a lot of relationship “discussions” are based off these two things. Translation: Dave Chappell, a man who I would normally not take advice from, said something interesting regarding what you’re putting out there in a number of ways. To summarize, he makes fun of women who dress really trashy but then get mad when other people refer to them as tramps or some equally negative words. He goes on to say that he wants to dress up like a police officer and walk around the streets of New York to, all of a sudden, see a robbery. When people walk up to him and say, “Officer, please help us!!!,” he would respond, “Why do you think I’m a police officer… just because I’m dressed like a police officer doesn’t mean I am one!” You say a lot without opening your mouth.

4) You’re not an expert! One of my favorite things to do in restaurants is look around at all of the dates. You can always pick out the ones that are early in their relationship by the ways in which they move around each other and how they talk to one another. When I’m close enough to hear, I like to listen in and hear absolute train wrecks of conversations, normally caused by some guy spouting off about something that he knows very little about. Translation: Why are you trying to impress a girl with conversations about the law case that you’re going to make $100,000 off of? Chances are, unless she is involved in the same profession, she doesn’t give two shits. Better idea: ask her questions so you’re better prepared for date number 2, or 3, or….? Even better idea: those questions that you ask her should already be questions to which you already have good answers. When people are still a bit uncomfortable with one another, or even in casual conversation, the “What about you?” tends to be over-used. If that comes back to you, it should be a home run, no questions asked.

5) Man communication is bizarre. I’ll give in to this one – I see it in myself and in my guy friends who are in relationships. The ways in which we communicate are odd and completely different from women. Translation: A guy is more likely to show you he’s sorry than to say he’s sorry. Should that get him off the hook for verbalizing those words? Absolutely not. But, if you’re not 100% satisfied with the apology and you want him to gush about it (maybe like your best girlfriend would), don’t hold your breath. Wait a week or so and see the change in behavior. I promise, it’s coming, even if it’s in small things like bringing you some coffee on a morning when it’s going to be a long day.

6) Identify your deal-breakers. There are a lot of things about whoever it is that you’re dating that probably get your goat. In fact, they may be things that drive you crazy… but do they outweigh the good things? Translation: This one is simple: if it’s not a PATTERN of behavior that is just not negotiable for you, it’s probably not a big deal. Maybe a conversation topic, but nothing to sound the alarms about… again, the reaction and approach is key.

7) Be original. Translation: For the love of YHWH, don’t do what everyone tells you that you should do as a consumer, e.g. buying a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day and going out to an expensive dinner. Lots of messages are given out if you do these sorts of things: you’re not intelligent enough/don’t care enough to do something a bit out of the box, you would rather have other people (the chef, the valet, the flower people) put in the effort rather than you, or that you care too much about what other people think to move outside of the norm. I like to rip on Valentines Day, but this holds throughout the year. Do different things, give a chance for new traditions to be established, and most importantly, show that you care enough for the best-intentioned plans to come out perfect or go up in flames…. appreciation for care and originality will be duely rewarded, and you can take that in any way you want.

Those are my thoughts that you probably shouldn’t listen to because I am not qualified to write about such things…. except for number 5. If you decide to listen to me and it ruins your relationship, I would appreciate if you never tell your significant other where you got such ludicrous ideas.

not your average joe.

My grandpa got rushed to the ER last night.

A man who never complains told my grandma – very calmly, I might add – to call 9-1-1. It turns out that he has an intestinal blockage, probably caused by the abdominal surgery he had to undergo about four years ago.

From my earliest point of memory, I have always been taught to trust in the medical system that has been built in this country… you know, all of the doctors that spend four years in undergraduate science hell and then seven more working obscene hours and studying when they should be sleeping. But there is just that nagging uncertainty that something could go wrong. Or, what if they do find something seriously wrong - I mean, the guy is 83 and he has Parkinson’s; chances are, they probably would not do any sort of more complicated procedures. It scares me and I’m not even the one going through it!

Doesn’t scare Grandpa Joe, though. He is relatively unphased by anything that has to do with medicine - he goes to the doctor’s office when my grandma yells (yes, yells) at him to get into the car, he takes what seems to be a meal of pills every six hours, and he plods along with the most assuring of dispositions. When I was heading for the door after one visit, he picked up his cane (which he rarely uses even though the doctor tells him to) and walked out with me – I assume so he could inspect my car a little bit and make sure I was taking care of it. On the slow walk out, he simply said to me, “Well, here’s hoping that when I see you tomorrow everything is still attached…”

Spending time with my grandpa really puts knowledge into perspective. I went through four years at Chapman trying to study and gain all of this “knowledge” for further application. Not an ounce of what I learned can help me fix my car or my refridgerator, cheat the cable company and install my own stuff so I don’t have to pay their installation fees, or build my own entertainment center without really getting any instructions. Shakespeare doesn’t help with house upkeep. Locke can’t repair our sprinkler system. My Grandpa can do all of that though – and he did so for as long as my grandma let him. He’s like the Mexican, 20th century version of Leonardo di Vinci or something – minus the whole flying contraption situation.

With all of his world knowledge and practical knowledge, he is one of the few people that has never said the words, “Well, you’re young…” as an excuse for anything – he has never reminded me how much I have to learn – and he has never tried to impart a strong opinion or make a decision for me. He kind of teaches just by living.

As he was being carted out by the paramedics, he told my mom, “Could you make sure that you sleep in the same room with your mother tonight… to make sure that she is ok?” It is in these moments that you learn what life is supposed to be filled with- love, not money; companionship, not acquaintances; dedication and integrity, not self-absorption. I guess he showed how to give a Valentines Day gift with meaning… every day of his life.

We can’t choose when these sorts of things happen – we can’t choose how they happen – and we can’t choose to whom they do not happen. But we can choose how we decide to react and live from that day forward.

Today is one of those plodding days… like walking with a cane.

10 commandments.

We have lots of “procedures” at work.

In fact, most of them contradict one another seven times over and spin me around in circles. Take this one- we had a fire safety drill. Our ’safety marshalls’ (you can tell which people they are because they’re the ones that get the hard safety hats, jackets, and clip boards – all of which I’m sure they’ll remember as they run out of the building) are supposed to calmly escort us out the back door, through a fire-proof hallway, and outside around the back of the building. OOOPS!  We forgot- there are bushes in between the building and the chain-linked fence – everyone run through the very large, very sharp foliage quickly!!! It won’t hurt, I promise!

….. 10 minutes later, we are all out of the building, tinted green from the leaves,  and cut up. But thankfully, the imaginary fire from which we were running didn’t get to us. 10 minutes! WHAT THE HELL?! In theoretical speak, I’m dead. Our safety marshalls are dead (but their heads were preserved because of the hard hat and mask, so they can have an open casket funeral). Our building is burned.

So, I got to thinking… what if I could make up the rules at my work? Nothing like, “Ryan is in charge!!!” but more of an authority to write some day-to-day procedures.

#1) Thou shall not leave your shit in the copier. Yo- I don’t want to run around the office trying to figure out who left the copy of their supply order form in the machine. You completely defeat the purpose of a copy if you leave one behind – you still only have one!!!

#2) Thou shall not ask me to tell my girlfriend things. If you have something to say to her or give her, CALL HER. First thing first: I don’t go around telling you to tell other people things for me. I go find that person and tell him/her myself. Second: most of the time, I don’t care about the stupid shit you want me to pass along… and neither does she!

#3) Thou shall only take one grip of M&Ms per day. There’s a very kind lady that brings in M&Ms for the office and she fills up her little jar whenever it is empty. Sometimes, I never see certain people from my office unless they are coming to get candy. Here’s a tip: your M&M intake should be directly proportional to your health; if your health is great, go for it – if your health sucks and you might die later this afternoon, YOU SHOULD NOT BE EATING HANDFULLS OF CHOCOLATELY COATED CANDY!

#4) Thou shall not talk to me in the work bathroom while I am peeing. I use the restroom two times per day at my office – yup, at the same times every day. There’s one guy who must be on the same clock as me but, by necessity, he needs to use the stall… if you catch my drift. Dude, I don’t want to talk to you while you’re on the other side of that wall.

#5) Thou shall not email between offices unless you need to send an electronic document. It’s about 12 seconds of walking time to get to the furthest office from my desk. Why should anyone have to email another person in the same office to get information? Our jobs are based off verbal communication – did you misunderstand that in the job posting or are you the one eating all the M&Ms?

#6) Thou shall not give me photos of your children whom I have never met. What do you want me to do with these? I’m 23, they’re clearly not my children, so I just look like a weird pedophile. Fine- I’ll indulge you. I’ll put them up on my cubicle wall so that everyone else can see them and ask me about them. What will I tell them? I have no clue because I don’t know your kids!!!

#7) Thou shall not kill. Yup, that one stays the same. Important.

#8 ) Thou shall not play your music for all to hear. If you have a tough time hearing, I completely understand that you may need to play your music a touch louder… have you heard of headphones? Also, adult contemporary music isn’t everyones cup o’tea. So if I consistently hear Melissa Ethridge and Sarah McLaughlin, I might come and disconnect your speakers while you’re at lunch.

#9) Thou shall not get into arguments by my cubicle. My cube is a peaceful area – I don’t get into arguments in/near it… neither should you. If you want to bitch out your assistant or work partner, by all means, please do. It gives me something to tell my bosses when we have our team meetings. But for the love of all things Jewish, don’t do it twenty inches from me! It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved and, most importantly, it’s uncomfortable to me…. the man in whose cube you are standing.

#10) Thou shall not create office posses. This one really gets my goat. There’s a little posse here of about… 7 women. WOMEN. Have you ever seen the men in your workplace huddle together around one computer to giggle and look at baby photos… then go to lunch together because the salads are too big at wherever they are going? NO NO NO. These women have three daily meetings- 9:15am, 11:45am, and 3:15pm. They always go to lunch together (inviting no one else in the office… because no one else… eats?), always whisper to one another (I’m really suspicious of whisperers), and are like the middle-aged, saggy, wrinkly version of ‘Mean Girls.’ Does that sound appealing?? MMmmmm.

Those would be my rules… at least for today.

the list.

It seems like everyone has done one of these… but me. So here is my list of 25 things that you may or may not know about me. All of them are serious… some of them are more serious.

1. I have always wanted a pet duck… and I want to name him Pato Juan Pablo Montoya. 

2. I eat the same thing for lunch every day: a cup of butternut squash soup, a salad (and by salad I mean lettuce, cheese, croutons, and dressing), a breakfast bar (…for lunch, may I remind you), an orange, half a banana, and a cookie. 

3. One of the hardest things I’ve had to try to understand/accept is when my best friend told me he had cancer. It has shaped what I want to do with my life.

 

4. I am rarely impressed or moved by “common” things that people say to me, especially when they are trying to make me feel better. The most important “common” thing I have ever heard is the following: “The universe doesn’t make mistakes.”  …and it doesn’t.

 

5. The thing I am most frustrated by is stupid people.

 

6. My first pets included a goldfish named Spud and a hampster named Bubbles. My brother had a goldfish named John; he joined Spud but was the first to “pass on.” He then got a really fat goldfish and named it Oprah. True to form, Oprah was a dirty, dirty whore who ate all the food, thus starving Spud and killing him.

 

7. I taught myself how to dance by watching music videos by Usher and trying to immitate the moves…. didn’t go so well, so I moved on to NSync instead. Lame, I know.

 

8. I like to drive with my windows down, especially in nice weather. So, if the weather is nice and my windows are up, it’s because I’m listening to Taylor Swift, Justin Timberlake, or something of the same grouping that may make me lose street cred.

 

9. I spent a day as Joe Biden’s personal host at a conference in Washington, D.C. To put it very nicely, it didn’t take all 8 hours for me to develop a deep dislike for the man.

 

10. I’ve read 32 Shakespeare plays. ‘Richard III’ is probably my favorite.

 

11. I’ve been to Italy and Israel and am beginning to think that I should go visit another country that starts with ‘I,’ India (mostly due to my compusiveness around alphabetization).

 

12. I never wanted to join a fraternity…. but I did in my sophomore year. It was one of the best choices I made in college.

 

13. I don’t think ‘The Office’ is funny in the slightest… but I think my office, with people who are actually trying to live a serious life, is HILARIOUS.

 

14. People whom I most admire: my grandpa, Joe, my mom, Marilyn Harran, Scott Sperry, and Leon Leyson.

 

15. My favorite: baseball team is the Angels, basketball team is the Suns, football team is the Cardinals, college teams are ASU, football player is Harrison Dull, drink is 7 & 7, Mexican is Blake, number is 2 (or 20), gambling game is roulette, candy bar is Butterfinger, golf course is Dobson Ranch.

 

16. If I need to talk something out or get some advice, I’ll always go to Blake (my favorite Mexican… and my brother) before just about anyone. In his few words, he’s quite wise.

 

17. The only thing that actually scares me is not living a happy, fulfilled life.

 

18. My thinking spot throughout high school was on the runway of the small city airport in Chandler after 10pm. No planes could take off or land after that time… so I just sat alone on the runway. That is where I made the final decision to go to Chapman.

 

19. The biggest year of growth in my life came during senior year of college.

 

20. The following are songs that ALWAYS get me to sing, no matter what: A-Milli, It’s Raining Men, Mo Money Mo Problems, Benny and the Jets, Piano Man, Pour Some Sugar on Me, and anything by Mr. Big.

 

21. I’ve gone through life “knowing” what I was going to do: go to Notre Dame (nope!), studying abroad in Italy (nope!), go to law school after college (nope!), and not living in Orange County after college (nope!). 0-for-4 is a really bad percentage…

 

22. On my Outlook calendar at work, I schedule something for every minute of my day. My bosses make fun of me.

 

23. As long as I live in/near Southern California, I will buy a Disneyland pass… it is by far the best stress reliever I have ever encountered and has given me some of my best memories throughout my stay in Orange County.

 

24. Best and worst summer of my life: between sophmore and junior year of college. The same summer when I had such a good time with my Chapman friends, doctors found leukemia in my best friend.

 

25. I only do things like this when I have super writer’s block and can’t think of anything that I want to write about in a serious blog. No need to worry though, I’ve been spending significant time with Grandma, so something is bound to spur my speedy little fingers.

**To avoid confusion, this was posted at 2:00pm… yup.