10 commandments.

We have lots of “procedures” at work.

In fact, most of them contradict one another seven times over and spin me around in circles. Take this one- we had a fire safety drill. Our ’safety marshalls’ (you can tell which people they are because they’re the ones that get the hard safety hats, jackets, and clip boards – all of which I’m sure they’ll remember as they run out of the building) are supposed to calmly escort us out the back door, through a fire-proof hallway, and outside around the back of the building. OOOPS!  We forgot- there are bushes in between the building and the chain-linked fence – everyone run through the very large, very sharp foliage quickly!!! It won’t hurt, I promise!

….. 10 minutes later, we are all out of the building, tinted green from the leaves,  and cut up. But thankfully, the imaginary fire from which we were running didn’t get to us. 10 minutes! WHAT THE HELL?! In theoretical speak, I’m dead. Our safety marshalls are dead (but their heads were preserved because of the hard hat and mask, so they can have an open casket funeral). Our building is burned.

So, I got to thinking… what if I could make up the rules at my work? Nothing like, “Ryan is in charge!!!” but more of an authority to write some day-to-day procedures.

#1) Thou shall not leave your shit in the copier. Yo- I don’t want to run around the office trying to figure out who left the copy of their supply order form in the machine. You completely defeat the purpose of a copy if you leave one behind – you still only have one!!!

#2) Thou shall not ask me to tell my girlfriend things. If you have something to say to her or give her, CALL HER. First thing first: I don’t go around telling you to tell other people things for me. I go find that person and tell him/her myself. Second: most of the time, I don’t care about the stupid shit you want me to pass along… and neither does she!

#3) Thou shall only take one grip of M&Ms per day. There’s a very kind lady that brings in M&Ms for the office and she fills up her little jar whenever it is empty. Sometimes, I never see certain people from my office unless they are coming to get candy. Here’s a tip: your M&M intake should be directly proportional to your health; if your health is great, go for it – if your health sucks and you might die later this afternoon, YOU SHOULD NOT BE EATING HANDFULLS OF CHOCOLATELY COATED CANDY!

#4) Thou shall not talk to me in the work bathroom while I am peeing. I use the restroom two times per day at my office – yup, at the same times every day. There’s one guy who must be on the same clock as me but, by necessity, he needs to use the stall… if you catch my drift. Dude, I don’t want to talk to you while you’re on the other side of that wall.

#5) Thou shall not email between offices unless you need to send an electronic document. It’s about 12 seconds of walking time to get to the furthest office from my desk. Why should anyone have to email another person in the same office to get information? Our jobs are based off verbal communication – did you misunderstand that in the job posting or are you the one eating all the M&Ms?

#6) Thou shall not give me photos of your children whom I have never met. What do you want me to do with these? I’m 23, they’re clearly not my children, so I just look like a weird pedophile. Fine- I’ll indulge you. I’ll put them up on my cubicle wall so that everyone else can see them and ask me about them. What will I tell them? I have no clue because I don’t know your kids!!!

#7) Thou shall not kill. Yup, that one stays the same. Important.

#8 ) Thou shall not play your music for all to hear. If you have a tough time hearing, I completely understand that you may need to play your music a touch louder… have you heard of headphones? Also, adult contemporary music isn’t everyones cup o’tea. So if I consistently hear Melissa Ethridge and Sarah McLaughlin, I might come and disconnect your speakers while you’re at lunch.

#9) Thou shall not get into arguments by my cubicle. My cube is a peaceful area – I don’t get into arguments in/near it… neither should you. If you want to bitch out your assistant or work partner, by all means, please do. It gives me something to tell my bosses when we have our team meetings. But for the love of all things Jewish, don’t do it twenty inches from me! It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved and, most importantly, it’s uncomfortable to me…. the man in whose cube you are standing.

#10) Thou shall not create office posses. This one really gets my goat. There’s a little posse here of about… 7 women. WOMEN. Have you ever seen the men in your workplace huddle together around one computer to giggle and look at baby photos… then go to lunch together because the salads are too big at wherever they are going? NO NO NO. These women have three daily meetings- 9:15am, 11:45am, and 3:15pm. They always go to lunch together (inviting no one else in the office… because no one else… eats?), always whisper to one another (I’m really suspicious of whisperers), and are like the middle-aged, saggy, wrinkly version of ‘Mean Girls.’ Does that sound appealing?? MMmmmm.

Those would be my rules… at least for today.