a penny for your thoughts.

I love ripping apart two-cent shrinks.

My day tends to consist of the same types of things, including reading the Yahoo! and CNN ‘front page’ at about 9:40am every morning. Each Monday and Thursday, Yahoo! puts up a ridiculous article about relationship advice. If I move through the news quickly, I will generally read this section as I eat my morning snack (it’s really hard to type with apples in your hand). One of the main contributors to this section is a 42 year old woman who has a degree in psychology (conflicting sources suggest that it is either a bachelors AND Ph.D. or just a bachelors). This woman looks like she has had lots of plastic surgery and internet research claims that she has been divorced two times.

Let’s think about what listening to this woman means- you’re depending on the advice of someone with very little self-esteem (lots of plastic surgery) who has had AT LEAST two failed relationships. This lady, through the wonders of the internet, is now telling you how to govern your own relationship- without knowing anything about it. In essence, she is giving you all of these things to think about and manuever around that eventually, you’re going to go nuts psychoanalyzing everything.

So guess what that means: I’m going to become my very own two-cent psychologist. I figure I’m just as qualified as that woman (minus the plastic surgery) so here we go… (disclaimer: don’t listen to me either).

1) Relationships are like my golf swing. When I get on the golf course, I tend to think too much. There are so many things that I know I should do in my swing to make it good. The problem is that if I try to think about these things all in one dive at the ball, the results will be miserable. How am I going to fit all of those things in two seconds? Translation: If you’re over-analyzing what you are going to do, you’re probably missing some very obvious signs of what you should do. Taking those signs and running with them are key. 

2) Change is about the reaction. Many times I find myself doing really dumb things. Last night, in fact, I decided that I was pretty mad about dropping something… so I then hucked it across the kitchen where it broke into lots more pieces. Jenn and Teren both just kinda looked at me and asked if I wanted help cleaning it up – I said no, so they just sat there and continued their own conversation. Translation: I got mad for about 2.5 seconds then realized how much I compounded the problem. If either of them would have gone off on me about how dumb I was, it would have resulted in an argument that would have become much larger than me just having to clean up the kitchen. The initial action guides decision making very little; with the reaction, you have the power to guide the course of the following conversation or request. Think about reactions very carefully before you go crazy. If you need further illustration of really poor reactions, check out this.

3) Why would you think that? A lot can be said about body language and facial expressions. In fact, I’m certain that a lot of relationship “discussions” are based off these two things. Translation: Dave Chappell, a man who I would normally not take advice from, said something interesting regarding what you’re putting out there in a number of ways. To summarize, he makes fun of women who dress really trashy but then get mad when other people refer to them as tramps or some equally negative words. He goes on to say that he wants to dress up like a police officer and walk around the streets of New York to, all of a sudden, see a robbery. When people walk up to him and say, “Officer, please help us!!!,” he would respond, “Why do you think I’m a police officer… just because I’m dressed like a police officer doesn’t mean I am one!” You say a lot without opening your mouth.

4) You’re not an expert! One of my favorite things to do in restaurants is look around at all of the dates. You can always pick out the ones that are early in their relationship by the ways in which they move around each other and how they talk to one another. When I’m close enough to hear, I like to listen in and hear absolute train wrecks of conversations, normally caused by some guy spouting off about something that he knows very little about. Translation: Why are you trying to impress a girl with conversations about the law case that you’re going to make $100,000 off of? Chances are, unless she is involved in the same profession, she doesn’t give two shits. Better idea: ask her questions so you’re better prepared for date number 2, or 3, or….? Even better idea: those questions that you ask her should already be questions to which you already have good answers. When people are still a bit uncomfortable with one another, or even in casual conversation, the “What about you?” tends to be over-used. If that comes back to you, it should be a home run, no questions asked.

5) Man communication is bizarre. I’ll give in to this one – I see it in myself and in my guy friends who are in relationships. The ways in which we communicate are odd and completely different from women. Translation: A guy is more likely to show you he’s sorry than to say he’s sorry. Should that get him off the hook for verbalizing those words? Absolutely not. But, if you’re not 100% satisfied with the apology and you want him to gush about it (maybe like your best girlfriend would), don’t hold your breath. Wait a week or so and see the change in behavior. I promise, it’s coming, even if it’s in small things like bringing you some coffee on a morning when it’s going to be a long day.

6) Identify your deal-breakers. There are a lot of things about whoever it is that you’re dating that probably get your goat. In fact, they may be things that drive you crazy… but do they outweigh the good things? Translation: This one is simple: if it’s not a PATTERN of behavior that is just not negotiable for you, it’s probably not a big deal. Maybe a conversation topic, but nothing to sound the alarms about… again, the reaction and approach is key.

7) Be original. Translation: For the love of YHWH, don’t do what everyone tells you that you should do as a consumer, e.g. buying a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day and going out to an expensive dinner. Lots of messages are given out if you do these sorts of things: you’re not intelligent enough/don’t care enough to do something a bit out of the box, you would rather have other people (the chef, the valet, the flower people) put in the effort rather than you, or that you care too much about what other people think to move outside of the norm. I like to rip on Valentines Day, but this holds throughout the year. Do different things, give a chance for new traditions to be established, and most importantly, show that you care enough for the best-intentioned plans to come out perfect or go up in flames…. appreciation for care and originality will be duely rewarded, and you can take that in any way you want.

Those are my thoughts that you probably shouldn’t listen to because I am not qualified to write about such things…. except for number 5. If you decide to listen to me and it ruins your relationship, I would appreciate if you never tell your significant other where you got such ludicrous ideas.